Unfortunately, many times, a loved one actually is [tag-tec]enabling addiction [/tag-tec]through their well intentioned desire to help the addict or alcoholic. How does this occur?
Consider the role of the addict; their intention is to continue the using behavior at all costs. What better way to continue that use than to enlist someone to ‘help’ him. Without the enabler, the addict would have to start facing consequences of his actions, and that might interfere with use continued use. The well intentioned enabler, out of love for the addict will ‘protect’ him from consequences and himself.
I watched an episode of the TV show “Intervention” where a mother gave her son, living at home, in his mid twenties money for Heroin, drove him downtown to buy the drugs and back home so he could use ‘safely’.
She was afraid he might have uncomfortable withdrawal symptoms or get hurt in a dangerous part of town. That was one of the more dramatic examples of addiction enabling I have seen. Are you lying, making excuses, and creating alibis for your loved one? These are signs that you may have crossed the line from helping into enabling addiction.
Enabling behavior usually starts out very slowly and gradually with trying to smooth things out with others outside the relationship or family. There is a desire to keep family secrets or not rock the boat. Part of enabling, just like active addiction, is denial. In the beginning the enabler will make all sorts of rationalizations and try to minimize the problem; ignore it and hope it goes away. This does not happen.
The vicious cycle of enabling and addiction works something like this. The chemically dependent person is being shielded from the negative consequences of their use. Since these consequences are not hitting home, they can continue to use, or increase their use even more. This means the enabler gets drawn even deeper into the web by having to deal with ever increasing chaos. The increasing chaos in the home can be just the excuse the dependent person needs to keep on using.
Where and how does the madness end? For the enabler, though there may be fear and shame about the situation, it usually ends in anger. The enabler typically tries to hold things together and keeps the mounting frustration and anger bottled up…until one day the explosion occurs. They opt out of continuing the excuses.
A more commonly recommended solution is ‘detaching with love’. This type of detachment will be dealt with in a future article.
Paradoxically at this point, with the rug pulled out from him the user may encounter the crisis that will be motivation to seek treatment. Pain is not pleasant, but it is a wonderful motivator. People who seek addiction treatment usually come from one of two camps. 1. They simply get sick and tired of being sick and tired. They get worn out. More commonly is the second option: 2. A crisis occurs that hits them with the force of a 2 x 4 in the side of the head.
Being protected from crisis may simply be doing nothing more than preventing engagement in addiction treatment and delaying the entry into addiction recovery
Additional Posts on Enabling Behavior:
Styles of Enabling Behavior – Avoiding and shielding: Any behavior by the codependent covering up for, or preventing the abuser, or self from experiencing the full impact or harmful consequences of drug use. Attempting to control: Any behavior by the codependent …
Someone Stop This Merry-Go-Round: An Alcoholic Family in Crisis … – More than just a personal memoir, this book offers important insights into the descent of the frequent drinker into full-blown alcoholism and the enabling behavior that provides the drinker with easy excuses. Ms Sequeira does not spare …
How to stop enabling behavior, help people and not enable them. – Stop enabling behavior and learn how to help people by changing enabling behaviors. Stop enabling an addict, children, anyone.
Codependency, Enabling Behavior, Tough Love — David Chernoff … – I stumbled on it by googling “enabling behavior.” I am right in the middle of working to align a close family relationship with my “own path and purpose” and guess what: I feel awful! I feel guilty etc, not common feelings for me, …
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Wow, I wonder if that parent realizes how dangerous of an approach that really is. I think the main reason that kind of attitude works in places like Amsterdam is because they are able to actually control the quality and distribution of the drug. Driving your child to buy street drugs, especially heroin seems so completely irresponsible.
I am reminded of an episode of Mash where BJ is treating a soldier that is addicted to morphine. The soldier is begging BJ for some morphine and he says, “I will give you everything but…” This seems like such a safer and more healthy attitude for someone to have, especially a parent.
.-= Steve@Lift Chairs´s last blog ..Senior Recliners: An Introduction =-.
Thanks for the post.
Wow is right.
It does amaze me the lengths we go though in the name of ‘helping’ someone. my heart goes out to the mother in that story.
Great post on a very important and serious topic. When we really love someone it can be hard to not give them that thing they really really want, because we hate to cause them any pain, but yes enabling them is only hurting them more.
It’s like we have to choose between the devil and the deep blue sea. A very hard situation, indeed. Thanks for an eye opening story.
i Dont know why..? “Love is painful that is true not to love is painful too; but there is a greater pain: To love and not be loved again”