Here is a great article on enabling and the dangers of keeping silent about a loved ones drinking by S. Jeff Jones.
How to stop biting your tongue when someone you love is drinking? How many times have you kept quiet when deep down inside you knew there was a problem?
It can be excruciatingly painful when you don’t trust what you know. You become ambivalent; it can be contagious. When you don’t trust yourself in one area, the ‘not trusting’ can spread to other areas of your life.
If this sounds familiar, I’m guessing that you have some very good reasons – money and kids seem to be at the top of many a list. Over time carrying this burden can lead to some difficulty for you – years of mental anguish and possible physical ailments.
Maybe you’ve thought about fixing the problem. Yes, I’m talking about the problem of hiding the drinking problem.
Ouch!
It was the third night this week that Mary sat at home worrying when George would get home. She knew he was out with friends. However she didn’t know them. Secretly, she feared they were drinking friends. She really didn’t want to think that George’s drinking had gotten to problem or even alcoholic proportions. She feared talking to him about the drinking. She felt scared and alone.
Are you ready to explore that inner knowing about the drinking problem?
You may be wondering what I mean by “explore that inner knowing.” It’s that little part inside your mind that records the facts, and every now and then whispers back to you the facts without the emotion or story. The story I’m referring to is the story that runs nonstop in the privacy of your mind.
For Mary, the story that ran in her mind was: “I know George’s drinking is out of control, but I’m scared to tell him directly because he’ll leave me.” This is the story that initially kept Mary from talking directly with George about his drinking. This is the story that covered her inner knowing.
Is the story you’ve been telling yourself really true?
Be careful! Your mind may be giving contradictory messages to you. Often, one of these messages is a rationalization. A rationalization denies the problem and makes excuses why the problem is not a problem. The rationalization has a tendency to minimize problems and provide excuses to not take the action your inner knowing has been “whispering” to you.
You may be wondering, “Why break the silence?”
First, it takes a lot of energy to keep the secret. Holding the secret drains your emotional and mental energy. It’s drained by fear. It’s the fear that “things could be worse,” and fear of the unknown. You break the silence to focus your energy towards a positive result for you, your family, and ultimately the problem drinker or user.
You no longer need to shrink from the truth or keep pretending that there is not a problem. The story is the rationalization, and the pretending is the action of believing the rationalization. The pretending drains your energy. When you break the silence, you have the truth on the table.
In the process you grow stronger. By taking little actions in ways that align with your inner knowing you start to empower yourself. I understand that it may not seem like it now, but as the process of empowering yourself enfolds, you will view your life from a much more hopeful perspective.
No more doormat routine.
Show up authentically and speak what’s most important to you or reach out and get support to do so.
When you show up authentically you’ve gotten real with yourself about the drinking problem, what you need relative to the drinking and what you’re willing to do to get those needs met. You can’t control what another person does; you do have a choice about what you do. In general, the choice reflects a rationalization or the inner knowing.
If you’re not ready to speak what’s most important to you about the drinking, know that there is support to assist you in sorting through and figuring your best options. You do this at a pace that is right for you.
If you’re ready to share what you need relative to the drinking, consider these three steps beforehand:
- 1) Clarify how you feel about the drinking and what you need in relation to the drinking.
- 2) Identify clear, specific requests that when fulfilled will meet your needs.
- 3) Let your inner knowing be your guide.
The more connection you have with your inner knowing, the more you feel emotionally solid, the more this comes across in your voice.
Is it really possible to have an honest authentic conversation with the problem drinker?
The conversation we’re talking about is you being honest and authentic – first with yourself, then with the problem drinker. What’s different about this conversation is your stance in the conversation comes from your inner knowing about the problem. It’s not attacking; it’s not approval seeking. It’s about your emotionally stable, honest, authentic expression of your needs, and making concrete requests.
Whatever happened to Mary?
Mary had thought about the drinking problem a very long time. Sometimes he had tried to express to George her concerns. It didn’t go well; she was reluctant to try again. When Mary came into counseling she expressed being overwhelmed, tired, and depressed. What underlie these symptoms were her concerns for the drinking of her husband. After 6 weeks she regained the strength in herself, later she had an honest conversation with her husband where she expressed her concerns and requested that George get help. At last report, George went into treatment.
Know the three steps to authentically addressing the drinking problem:
- Clarify how you feel about the drinking and what you need in relation to the drinking.
- Identify clear, specific requests that when fulfilled will meet your needs.
- Let your inner knowing be your guide.
Consider if you are:
- Ready to fix the problem of hiding the drinking problem?
- Ready to get real and address the problem?
- Ready to show up authentically?
Can you answer yes to the three questions above?
If not, counseling and coaching support you towards clarity with your feelings, needs, authentically expressing them, and to explore your options to resolve the drinking problem. If you’re not ready to come in for a counseling session coaching over the phone is an option.
